And the Holidays Begin… – Institute for Community and Family Resilience

This is the time of year when holiday decorations go up on the house and in the house, baking and freezing commence, the “to do list” gets added to each day, and so on. Smiles get wider, Christmas music gets louder, “wish lists” get written and then suddenly the house gets turned upside down…metaphorically, perhaps and that is problematic enough but it could be actually. Your child has a meltdown, and then a freeze and the smiles return, only to have them knocked down yet again. What’s going on? This is a happy time, a time to be grateful for all that we have. After all, we start with Thanksgiving next week and you ARE a FAMILY, with so much to be grateful for. Unless, unless you are a foster child who has had a half dozen placements in just as many years or an adopted child who has memories (even pre-verbal memories stored in the state memory of their brain) of a different family and severed attachments. And what if, additionally, this is the time of year, when the disruptions and re-placements occurred? The “what if” is that your chid may, more likely than not, be triggered by memories, conscious or not and put a whole new meaning into “meltdown”. So, what can you do? On the front end: BE PREPARED! Prepare yourself for what could happen; how it will effect you, how it will effect your other children, how it will effect your extended family/friends who share in celebration with you. And don’t forget, to prepare your foster/adopted child. A child who is old enough to talk about feelings, have the conversation about knowing that holidays canoe a really hard time for them and it is understandable because they’ve had a lot of experience with holidays and some of those experiences have been positive and some negative. And their head/brain may have a difficult time taking all in. Do some front end loading of the back end…and by that I mean have a plan that you work out with your child, or if they are too young to participate in the planning, make it for them. How can your chid signal that they aren’t okay? If they can’t signal you, what is it they’d like to be able to do; e.g. go outside, go sit in their room, put on headphones, play a game on your phone, etc. Have a not “what if” plan but a “when” the trigger does occur plan, even if it is in the midst of the turkey being carved or presents being opened.

About Author

Elaine Spicer

I have been a social worker for 31 years. My work has been with families and children first in the area of Child Protective Services and then as a therapist working with the same population. I have worked with divorcing and divorced parents teaching co-parenting techniques, supervised therapists and have been a social worker for emotionally challenged children and adolescents in an inner city school system. About 7 years ago I was introduced to the work of Bryan Post and, as a friend and colleague said at the time…I went Post-al. All of my previous assumptions and indeed my work using behavioral interventions, got pushed aside. And along came the realization that none of the interventions, meant to change behaviors, had anything in common with helping children heal from the trauma they had experienced. My best work these days is as a coach/consultant for parents, other caregivers, and teachers. The services I provide are parent education, coaching, consulting and supervising. I am the mother of five adult children and grandmother to five. I am both a bio mom and an adoptive mom.

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